Friday, April 14, 2006

From our Friends Over at The Community Alliance

A little levity from The Community Alliance....

KingDome, USA

Special to The Community Alliance (via Aljezzera). Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf (formerly known as "Baghdad Bob") and Mike Deery (Director of Communications and Public Affairs for the Town of Hempstead) contributed to this story

Washington, DC. -- Today, Committee on Homeland Security Chairman Peter T. King (R-NY) introduced a failsafe Immigration Reform Bill in the House of Representatives, designed to end the stalemate between Congressional Republicans and Democrats that has stalled efforts to "keep America American."

"There is no question that foreigners, who invade our shores without documentation, are ruining this country," said an emphatic King. "They're taking away decent jobs from regular Americans, like dishwashers, gardeners, and grape-pickers, and they pose an imminent threat to our nation's security. It is simply unAmerican to have huddled masses yearning to be free foisted upon our homeland while no born and bred American enjoys true freedom here at home. The time has come to close the golden door -- no one gets in, no one gets out!"

King's plan, already endorsed by the American Family Association and Bill O'Reilly, calls for the construction not of a steel wall along the border with Mexico, but rather, the building of walls around the entire perimeter of the United States, with a retractable dome atop.

"I call it the 'KingDome,'" said the smug representative from New York's 3rd Congressional District. "We secure our borders by having every person who enters or leaves our country pass through metal detectors at impenetrable gates, and then we can open the roof for pre-screened air traffic. No more of these 'homeless, tempest-tost' for this great nation."

"There is precedent for a domed stadium," clucked King. "The Astrodome. The Skydome. Enron Field, ah, er, I mean, Minute Maid Park. They're all secure environments. Americans, Si. Immigrants, No!"

When asked about the Louisiana Superdome, which failed to stand up to the wrath of Hurricane Katrina, King opined: "Those crawfish-eating, cotton-picking, bourbon-drinking sons of illegal immigrant slaves got what they deserved. All the REAL Americans got out of New Orleans safely!"

As Pete King draped himself in the American flag -- wielding documents that he claims evidence his ancestors' arrival on the Mayflower -- immigrants, civil rights activists, and folks who have actually visited the Statue of Liberty gathered around the nation -- in numbers not seen since the Vietnam era -- to protest Congressional efforts to tighten our borders and put the squeeze on undocumented workers.

Our ace reporter, Eastbrook Van Westbrook, interviewed one such protestor, speaking on condition of anonymity and identified only as Jose Flores Sandoval Rodriguez Juarez Bolivar Goldberg of 123 Main Street, Apartment 3B, Farmingville, outside of King's District Office on Long Island.

Westbrook: What do you think of the proposal to criminalize those who render aid of any kind to immigrants?
Goldberg: It's an affront to the dignity of every hardworking immigrant who has ever come to America to build a better life for himself and his family. We are all the children and grandchildren of immigrants. We are a nation of immigrants -- and of terrorist cells, who enter this country with complete documentation and the full knowledge and consent of the American government.
Westbrook: With all the talk of building a wall along the southern border of the United States, it must be particularly hard on you as a Mexican.
Goldberg: Mexican? Who's Mexican? I'm Puerto Rican!

Meanwhile, in related news, Native Americans representing 132 tribes gathered at their annual convention in Cleveland, where plans were underway to take back Manhattan Island from "those fakactah illegal immigrants who stole Manhattan in the first place."

"Forget reparations," Chief Patsh-In-Tuches of the Iroquois Tribe told fellow redskins of the Five Nations as gathered at Jacobs Field. "Anyone not recognized as 'Native American' -- on college applications, and otherwise -- is in OUR nation unlawfully. They get out. We get Manhattan -- and fifty Indian-run casinos in locations to be named later (so take that, Sheldon Silver)!"

As the debate on the immigration law rages on, here's what you missed if you haven't been reading The Community Alliance blog:

Don't Spend The Whole Rebate In One Place!

Governor As Chief Cook And Bottle Washer

A Radical In The White House

A Passover Story

In Search Of The Holy Grail

NEXT UP: JUDAS AND JC CONSPIRE AT THE DINNER TABLE: Newly Discovered Gospel Shrouds Easter Traditions.

"It all started when John ate the last piece of gefilte fish." -- The Gospel According to Peter, Paul and Mary

"It wasn't the crime. It was the 2000 year cover-up!" -- Bob Woodward, Washington Post

From Penthouse: Ex-lover disputes "second coming." [WHAT? It's our fault you have a dirty mind?]

As Paul wrote in his second letter to the Corinthians: "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here!"

Happy Easter, and for those still celebrating Matzo Meal Mania, consider this: The leader of the Passover Seder is called a "Sadist;" His followers? "Matzochists," of course!

No Christians were harmed or fed to the lions in the testing, development and/or deployment of this e-mail.

If we haven't offended you in this e-mail, take heart -- there's always next week. [The way we figure it, where the government lies to you, and Corporate America screws you left and right, and you just sit back and take it, what's a little blasphemy?] Remember, you can find The Community Alliance in the Yellow Pages under "Community Advocacy" and "Abuse."

In case of emergency, call Supervisor Kate Murray's Helpline at 516-489-6000. Tell them the Anti-Christ sent you!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will get you credit for coming up with facts and voting records for King, but this story takes that credibility right away.

J said...

L-E-V-I-T-Y

lev·i·ty P Pronunciation Key (lv-t)
n. pl. lev·i·ties
Lightness of manner or speech, frivolity.
Inconstancy; changeableness.
The state or quality of being light; buoyancy.

TimJ said...

The key here will be if the Democrats can get a candidate, be it Denenberg, Mejias jumping back in, or Suozzi deciding against the Gov primary bid to take on King (yeah I know major longshot)that has the ability (which either of the three should have) to really hammer King on his absolutley horrible voting record and close alliances to Bush. A good run campaign that really ties King to Bush, and brings to the public his voting record could make things very interesting

Anonymous said...

Sure Denenberg probably poses the biggest threat King has seen since winning office, but now King has a voting record of someone elses to criticize. I'm sure if you look at Denenberg's voting records (and I'm sure you guys probably know what it is) he's probably voted with Suozzi and the rest of the Dems everytime. I even heard that the Dems (Denenberg included) voted for a Suozzi appointed Parks Commissioner who didn't have any Parks experience. If you guys are looking for an independent voice I'm not sure of Denenberg or Mejias for that matter are your guys.

TimJ said...

Annonymous

How exactly will voting on the side of someone popular hurt Denenberg or mejias. Suozzi is quite popular here, destroyed peterson last year despite the GOP trying to throw everything including the Kitchen Sink at him. Suozzi made a mistake by getting into this Primary battle against Spitzer, but he is still quite popular and if he would run for King's Seat, he would win hands down. So if King tried to blast Denenberg or mejias for voting mainly with Suozzi, not only would it not hurt them, but it would probably help them and backfire against King. King being close to Bush will hurt him MUCH MUCH MUCH more than Denenberg or Mejias being close to Suozzi.

Anonymous said...

You mean Suozzi's great record of destroying Nassau County Medical Center, the shaddy Wang Colisium deal, an awful parks system and a complete desaster of reassessment. You guys say if the real word got out on King's voting record he'd be in trouble, but what about Suozzi. If Newsday didn't spin everything Suozzi's way he wouldn't be as popular.

J said...

What a bunch of revisionist history.
1) NUMC has been a mess for a long time... it's a money-losing operation. Gulotta "sold" it but the contract says if NUMC gets in financial problems, the county will bail it out. It was a failed one-shot which the gulotta republicans made famous.
2) What "shaddy" deal? The legislature has to vote on any "deal" and then the Town of Hempstead has to approve it.
3) The parks system was inherited from the bankrupt Gulotta administration. The cash-strapped county wasn't going to go back into debt right after pulling out. Its going to take years to revover fully from the mess the republicans left.
4) Reassessment. County Assessor Charlie O'Shea a REPUBLICAN put the reassessment into place.
5) Yes, Newsday NEVER reports anything negative about Suozzi. HA!

Anonymous said...

I think its time to stop blaming the Republicans for the County. How long has Suozzi been in office? Except for the bond rating, which is only better because he's raised taxes, what's better. The Wang deal was definately shady. Why was Wilpon's proposal, which was obviously much better, tossed to the side? Maybe b/c Wang has contributed so much to Suozzi's gov campaign. And speaking of the gov race, if Suozzi is so popular why does he get killed in all the polls even in his own county of Nassau? And the obvious reason he is running is because he knows all the promises he's made to fix the county haven't come true and he is looking to bail.